This energy, this feeling of being stuck in a cycle, it’s real. And it shows up hard in our relationships, especially in the Black community. We gotta talk about this “insecure chick and the runaway man” thing, because honestly, it’s f*cking everywhere.
It’s that anxious and avoidant dance, loves. The one where you’re craving connection, closeness, that soul-deep intimacy your heart aches for, and he’s always got one foot out the door. He pulls away, you chase. He gets distant, you lean in harder, maybe even beg for crumbs of attention. It’s a pattern as old as time, and it leaves you feeling exactly like the name says: insecure, not good enough, constantly questioning yourself and the relationship. And meanwhile, he’s running. Running from feeling too much, running from commitment, running from… well, usually, he’s running from his own damn stuff.
Now, let’s get real about why this seems to be on repeat in our community. This isn’t about pointing fingers or making excuses, but we gotta acknowledge the history, the energy that gets passed down. We come from a legacy of trauma, y’all. Slavery, systemic racism, generations of navigating a world that wasn’t built for us to feel safe and secure. That energy gets encoded. It impacts parenting styles, communication patterns, our sense of self-worth.
Think about it, honey. So many of us grew up, or are still surrounded by, the aftermath of this trauma. Fatherless homes are a symptom, not the root cause. The root often goes back to men who, wounded themselves, became emotionally unavailable, struggling with showing up consistently or vulnerability because that wasn’t modeled or safe for them either . And then our mamas, bless their hearts, doing the best they could in impossible circumstances, maybe they were anxious themselves, constantly worried, or had to be so strong and self-sufficient that they couldn’ t offer that soft, consistently present emotional support. It’s like a ripple effect, love. The trauma, the lack of secure attachment from one generation, echoes into the next, shaping how we see relationships and how we operate within them. We subconsciously seek out what feels familiar, even if familiar feels like sh*t.
And yeah, I get it. This hits different for me too. This ain’t just theory, honey. This is the blueprint I grew up with. Absent father, mama bear who was emotionally unavailable, stuck in her own anxious patterns. What do you think that did to my little-girl heart, desperately needing consistent love and validation? It set the stage, baby. It trained me to chase, to crave, to feel like I had to earn love or fix someone to finally be seen. And guess what kind of men that energy attracted? You guessed it. The runners. The emotionally unavailable ones. The ones who reflected that initial wound right back at me. Multiple baby fathers? Yeah, that’s the painful , messy reality of repeating a pattern you don’t even fully understand you’re in. It’s trying to fill a void that external validation or a constantly distant partner can never, ever fill.
So, it feels hard to stop this cycle because it’s ingrained. It’s in our energetic programming, our beliefs about love, our definition of what “normal” feels like, even if “normal” is chaos and heartbreak. It’s the echo of ancestral pain and personal experience tangled up together. But here’s the good news, love: Hard does not mean impossible. And you have the power to break this chain. You didn’t cause the original wound, but you are responsible for healing it within yourself. That’s where your power lies. That’s where the magic happens.
Okay, enough wading in the heavy stuff. Let’s talk about how the hell we actually fix this issue. Because sitting here feeling like a victim of your history isn’t going to get you that joy, purpose, and magical abundance you’re yearning for. No f *cking way.
Step 1: Name the Damn Thing (Without Blame)
You gotta call it what it is, honey. Stop pretending it’s just bad luck, or that you just pick assholes. Are you, deep down, feeling insecure and craving validation? Are you chasing men who are showing you clear signs that they aren’t capable of or willing to show up fully? Are you shrinking yourself, walking on eggshells, hoping that this time if you’re good enough, small enough, quiet enough, they’ll finally see your worth and commit? That’s the anxious attachment talking, love. And recognizing it is the first step to freedom. It’s not about blaming the guy – his avoidant sh*t is his own journey – but about recognizing your part in the dynamic. You can’t change him, but you can absolutely change you.
Step 2: Look Inside, Not Across the Room (Seriously)
This is the hardest one, I know. Your instinct, your conditioning, is to focus on him. Why won ‘t he commit? Why is he so distant? What can I do to make him change? Stop it, love. Stop it right now. The pattern doesn’t repeat because there’s a shortage of emotionally available men (though sometimes it damn well feels like it, am I right?). It repeats because something within you is vibrating at the frequency that attracts unavailability.
This is where we gotta look at the real root: those early attachment wounds. The little girl who didn’t feel consistently seen or safe or loved unconditionally. That wounded child part of you is still running the show in your relationships, picking partners who recreate that original dynamic, hoping for a different outcome this time. It’s a trauma response, not a soul choice. You might be unconsciously choosing partners who reflect the emotional distance of a parent, trying to finally “win” their love or attention through a romantic relationship. You gotta go there, honey. Journal about it. Meditate on it. Get quiet and listen to what that little-girl heart needs. What did you not get that you’re still craving?
Step 3: Re-Parent Your Damn Self
Okay, so you didn’t get the secure, consistent, emotionally available parenting you deserved. Welcome to the club, there are a lot of us here. But here’s the absolute truth: you can give that to yourself now. This isn’t some woo-woo fantasy, it’s critical healing work.
- Be your own safe harbor. When you feel triggered (and you will, honey, oh you will), when the fear of abandonment flares up, can you comfort yourself? Can you talk to that scared part of you like the loving, wise parent you are now?
- Learn to set boundaries. This is HUGE. Anxious attachment often makes you boundary-less because you’ re terrified of upsetting someone or making them leave. Boundaries are acts of self-love, not rejection. They teach others how to treat you, and they protect your damn energy. Start small. Practice saying no. Practice communicating your needs, even when it feels terrifying.
- Build rock-solid self-worth. Your worth is not tied to whether a man wants you or stays with you. Full stop. Period. End of story . Low self-worth is like a magnet for unavailable partners because deep down, you might believe that’s all you deserve. Do things that make you feel strong, capable, and beautiful on your own. Celebrate your damn wins. Spend time with people who actually see and value you.
Step 4: Grieve the Damn Losses
There’s a lot of loss here, loves. The loss of the father you needed. The loss of the stable family unit. The loss of time and energy spent in draining, dead-end relationships. The loss of trust. You can’t bypass grief; you have to move through it. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, the anger, the disappointment . Journal it, cry it out, talk to a trusted friend or therapist. This isn’t about getting stuck in the past, it’s about releasing the heavy energy so you can build something new.
Step 5: Stop F*cking Picking Them
Seriously. Once you start doing the inner work, you’ll begin to see these patterns and these men coming a mile away. Your intuition will scream. Listen to it! That gut feeling isn’t indigestion, love, it’s your spirit trying to protect you. Stop mistaking intermittent reinforcement (the hot-and-cold behavior that keeps you hooked) for genuine connection . Stop trying to “fix” broken men; you are not a rehabilitation center. Stop making excuses for red flags that are flapping in your face like a damn banner. Choose conscious connection over comfortable dysfunction. It might feel unfamiliar at first, maybe even a little boring compared to the anxious rollercoaster you’re used to, but that quiet stability is where real abundance and joy grow.
Step 6: Cultivate Your Damn Village (of Secure Folks)
You don’t have to do this alone. Find friends, mentors, chosen family members who model healthy, secure relationships. Spend time around people who communicate clearly, show up consistently, respect boundaries, and value mutual give and take. This shows your nervous system what healthy connection actually feels like and helps rewire those old patterns.
Step 7: Trust Your Damn Gut (Your Inner Guidance)
Your intuition is your built-in guidance system, powered by your soul. It knows the difference between healthy love and the same old sh*t. But the anxious mind, driven by fear, often overrides that wisdom. Practice tuning in. Meditate. Spend time in nature. What does your gut say about this person? Does your body feel open and relaxed, or tight and anxious? Learning to listen to this inner voice is key to manifesting relationships that are actually good for your soul.
This journey of healing attachment wounds, especially those tangled up in generational pain, is soul work, love. It’s about cleaning out the old energy, breaking agreements that no longer serve you, and vibrating at a frequency that attracts love that is available, consistent, and sees all of your beautiful, evolving self. It’s about stepping into your power, owning your worth, and becoming the secure, whole woman you were always meant to be.
This ain’t easy work, honey. There will be moments you want to fall back into the old patterns, moments of doubt, moments when you feel like you’re f*cking up. Be gentle with yourself, but stay committed. Your healing isn’t just for you; it breaks the chain for the generations after you. You are worthy of all the joy, purpose, and magical abundance your heart desires. Start by being the secure partner to yourself. The rest will follow. I love you. Now go do the damn work.
